I have been trying to write a new Linkedin article for a while. But I have been juggling being a mum, job hunting, product development, soft play and running my Etsy store. So, this may be a bit of a mishmash, and highly coffee-fuelled.
As I am trying to write this, I am listening to my favourite Podcast 'Rob Beckett and Josh Widdicombe's Parenting Hell' and they have been talking about the "mental load" parents feel. This is the emotional load you feel i.e. who does the washing up? who does the packed lunches? etc.
And listening to these guys discuss this, I realise I have been doing this to myself not only as a parent but as someone who is struggling to find myself outside of being a mother. My career was doing well before I took the time off to have a baby, even having requests coming through while on maternity leave but since returning to the world of work last year it's been poor. The moment I mention 'child care' recruiters disappear, or 'We will get back to you' and then ghosted.
You can probably guess this has been adding to my 'mental load'. I love looking after my boy and enjoying the time we have together while he is so young and would never change it. But the weight of not working was really getting me down, feeling dejected, lost and generally feeling unwanted. I also looked at my portfolio and knew it isn't reflecting me and knowing I will be struggling to get it looking good, and trying to squeeze a lot of things into the 2 days while my son is at nursery, I was getting pretty depressed. Not helping with the household income and not being able to return to my former self, even for just 2 days, was getting me very down.
I am so lucky to have my husband. I told him how I felt, and he reassured me that being a mum is amazing enough but understood my need to feel more like myself before having our son. Being a devoted researcher and my own personal cheer squad he helped me set up the Etsy business and it has been great. It has allowed me to work around my childcare needs, I can still work while I take my son to the park. It does finally feel good to bring in a little money to the house. But the cost of living going up is adding to my 'mental load' again.
Raising a child, thou challenging has been great. But I need just a little time to rest, recharge and be me before being a mum. And part of that is working, designing, animating, and threatening to throw a stuffed minion at someone because they forgot to update the video production progress sheet. (I do miss that)
I am more.
Chilli is my spirit animal
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