‘Oh no not another post on Imposter Syndrome’ I hear you cry. Yup I have posted one and I have a good reason why.
My current contract is coming to an end with very low likelihood of it being extended again as the project will be coming to a close. So I am now in a position where I have to find work again. (After a break of course) and these feelings of imposter syndrome are on the rise.
In the beginning...
After University I was overly confident in my skills. I expected to be scooped up by ILM any day. It took some time but I came around that I was not as good as I thought I was. How it all changes so quickly.
What also didn't help was constantly being rejected for jobs, even for a shop assistant. My feeling of self worth came into question everyday. What am I going to do with my life? Am I doomed to haunt the job centre for the rest of my life?
That was pushed aside eventually when I was offered a role at a knowledge consulting service in London where I wanted to prove myself early on and my confidence grew. I finally found somewhere where they saw my potential.
However. The imposter monster was still lurking.
As I grew within the role and eventually found myself as manager. I would have moments or days where I thought. Why am I here? I really don’t have the skill to do this. Why did these people hire me? I never saw myself as a leader or a take charge person and then finding myself in that situation suddenly was a bit dizzying (is that word? Never mind I have made a new word) I was asking all the time if they had the right person.
Luckily I had good support from the people I worked with. Which helped a lot, no shame in asking for help or seeking advice.
In the now…
So as I said earlier my contract is ending very soon. I happen to fall into a contract role by accident (recommended by my previous CEO) and doing the same stuff I was doing as a permanent employee.
This felt good being recognised as someone who did good work for this client in the past. I also managed to attend a few interviews at the beginning of the year so at this point my confidence was booming.
I have always considered giving contracting / freelancing another try now that I have more experience and a bit more wiser (Not fully, I can still name all original 150 Pokemon) But always too scared in case I failed myself or worst, fail a client. It wasn’t until the company I was with went into administration did I actually take serious consideration in freelance / contracting. It was almost like a kick up the arse to get me going and follow something I wanted to do
.
But now I need to look for work again and confidence has taken a bit of a hit. Getting rejections all the time now and struggling to find more contract work. I am having to take some steps that's going to continue to feed my monster. One being my portfolio. My work from the last 6 years as they are all under NDAs so it is very hard to show these pieces of work publicly. And this once again means I have to try and prove I can do something without evidence. Comparing to some portfolios it is a little understated. Since a portfolio is the first point of contact for most potential employers mine just can’t show the extent of my skill and therefore the recruiter dismisses it. This makes me feel like I am not what I say I am,
What I have learned and what I need to learn…
The most important thing I have learnt is that it is OK to not know everything and it is OK to be honest about that. This is how we learn and grow. When I was younger and being very arrogant about my work, I hated negative feedback. I know of a few people who STILL refuse to handle negative feedback.
All feedback should be taken onboard but the negative should never be dominant over the good. I have received a lot of great feedback but also some negative. I learn from the negative (or defend a choice if I feel it is right) but the great I keep thinking back to or re-read the email and I know I can keep doing what I am doing.
I am very much an introvert. *Gasp* But I have decided to make a bold leap outside my comfort zone and attend some networking events. New problem, I am very anxious when I meet new people and tend to stay quite. Let me sit at a desk with headphones and I am as happy as Larry but introducing myself and then talking about what I do is very far out of my happy zone.
What if I do an Ivanka Trump and do a dick move and jump into a conversation trying to sound smart but end up talking nonsense?
What If I can’t answer a question? Will they find out I am actually an imposter and I don’t know it yet?
What if I talk to no one? What if I waffle on about nothing like I am doing now?
Something I definitely need to overcome if I want to get more clients as a freelancer.
There is definitely a difference from being a permanent employee with team responsibilities to being contract/freelance, where I am only concerned about what my client thinks of my output so I am able to focus more on that compared to being a manager in a permanent position. As a manager you have other areas where you feel like an imposter, responsibilities for the team you manage, recruitment, product output quality, review session (especially when giving bad news I hated) among many things, hoping that I wasn’t failing someone else because I was their manager.
But I do know what I am doing and I am pretty good at it. As far as I know, I am the only person doing what I do in knowledge management sector. This is boosted by quite a few people asking me how I manage to convert a dull subject like cheque processing into an engaging video. I have a unique skill in a niche industry that I can exploit to display my technical knowledge and problem solving skills.
I need to remind myself it is OK to fail sometimes
I need to remember that comparing myself to others is not good for my mental health. I should be looking to them for inspiration.
I need to take leaps
I need to be me.
I am still learning about my worth. So let the adventure begin
I have overcome a lot on the last few years. But I still have a lot to learn and overcome when it comes to imposter syndrome. But how I feel is, if you are truly passionate about what you do it will never leave you, You won’t be able to consider doing anything else then that light will shine through and eventually you will find yourself somewhere amazing. Maybe a bit scary, but amazing
Feel free to connect
Comments